J David Moeller's "The Daily Blather"

Doomsday Clock.

We’ve got 5 minutes till Armageddon. Five minutes till it’s all over. Nothingness to follow.

So saeth The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists.

In 1947 they created the world’s first and only Doomsday Clock, now residing at the University of Illinois in Chicago. It keeps track of the time left till Midnight: the hour of the Big Atomical Bang.

It has no moving parts other than “Mickey’s Big Hand” which only moves when a human decides it needs to be moved either closer or farther away from the bewitching hour. Why? Ask mathematician Steven Hawking. He moved it forward just the other day.

If, and when, it reaches midnight it means the world, as we know it now, will cease to exist. Poof. Goney Gone. Someone will have pushed all THE BUTTONS.

But now, thanks to this blog, you can get your very own “Get out of Armageddon FREE.” ticket.


It’s free to the first 2,000,073 callers and is good for 30 days after midnight, Armageddon Eve.

After the rest of the population is wiped from the face of the planet, you will immediately notice the improvements.

No more traffic jams. No long lines at the grocery store. No more surly waiters at Denny’s.

You’ll be able to live virtually rent free anywhere that’s vacant. And there will be plenty of vacancies to choose from. Not to mention parking.

Taxes? Not after the end of the world. No fear of audits, either. H & R Block offices will be closed for the duration.

Unclaimed bank accounts will immediately revert to the first to figure out their pin numbers. Off shore accounts and Swiss Bank accounts included.

You’ll be able to choose any new car you want and drive it right off the showroom floor. Speeding tickets? Why, there won’t even be radar.

And it won’t be called looting. Everyting will be free for the taking, like the fruit off the trees. Although, you might not want to eat the fruit off the trees for, maybe, the first few hundred years. Radiation and all, you know. The cows, however, will no longer be angry at us, so we can eat them.

And speaking of radiation, there will be plenty of protective suits available. They’ll be strewn around everywhere. Just look for folks who didn’t get their Daily Blather “Get Out of Armageddon FREE!” ticket. They’ll be the ones prostrate on the ground, glowing.

So, when the call goes out, be one of the first two million and seventy three callers.

Be there or Don’t be here.